I let myself go emotionally with

  • this one, Echo and I, Xwarper, calling myself the Imperial Roman God Janus, and there was a species of love between us.
  •      I made her laugh. I’m funny, and laughter infuses love with lightness. I teased her, I charmed her, I sang for Echo on the phone, I wrote her thousands of emails. I named her Echo. There would be times we would be having email marathons back and forth, and I would write a gigantic letter, and before she could finish reading its romantic missives, a second letter, also gigantic, would be waiting in her inbox for me.
  •      I made her feel special. Worthwhile. Echo would often go to sleep soothed by my deep, tender voice — worn out from her climaxes. I would stay up long afterward, musing to myself, walking in circles around.
  •      I brooded. I threatened. I cajoled. I hated passionately and with a vengeance, then came round again.
  •      I did everything right. Janus — Xwarper — was aware of only one mission: to make his Sweet Midnight Whispers happy.
  •      There was progressive domination intruding by stages and shadows into the whole affair, but that would only appealingly make Echo sting and smile more sweetly. Even before she gouged open her hand for me, or drove across the state in her beat-up old Bonneville, seeking libraries, seeking shelter, she was suffocating solacefully in joy at my behest. I combined the softness of the beta with the demanding, cocky arrogance of the alpha in the best of all possible ways.
  •      I remember in one phonecall, while I was in the basement of a newly rented student house, a mother of a housemate knocked harshly on the door (I had stolen mucho stuff from the Total-Beta loser whose downer substantial Blues music collection was neatly arrayed) and I hung up on Echo in a perfunctory way. I was used to treating her as a disposal love-object, and she loved it, loved it.
  •      When I sang to her (future shades of Xwarper the megawatt singer) she seemed to like it.
  •      When I weaved elaborate sexual scenarios, with short Echo playing the part of cartoon character Strawberry Shortcake


  • she went along gleefully for the fun. Her incredibly pale skin was pointed out by me when I found a porn star who looked just like her, in the fleshy part at least. She pleasantly agreed that it was so. In fact, unlike so many bitches out there, Echo was pleasant almost all the time. That’s what I liked about her. No hostility, no demands, no sourness or ulterior motives beyond pure love, just adoration for her Janus. I Xwarper was in love.
  •      Of course I needed her. Even then I was weaving my plans. Years later, when we reattached briefly before she ran off, I was shattered when she told me of sleeping with another man and not waiting for me. And yet she is quite the liar — and quite the repeller for other men. So perhaps — probably — most likely — this was a lie that never happened. I find it unlikely that she would, as she claimed, find a dark rock singer in Chicago who was “a lot like me.” In fury and rage, I told her there is no one like Janus. And now, more calmly, years later, Xwarper recounts the story with patience at her deceptive need to prove herself to me and draw me into her woman’s spider’s web.
  •      I was a free spirit, and she always told me about her dreams of marrying me in an actual German castle with baroque splendor, the height of European tradition and beauty. But I lashed out acidly at the very notion of marriage, despite the feelings that were stirring inside me. I needed her power, more than her.
  •      But the seduction was complete. Act 1 was the first 3 years. Act 2 was the handful of months we shared later on. Act 3 will come when she is removed from the dangling vines that hold her up in darkness, and comes to me once again.
  •      Maybe.
  •      It’ll be interesting.

~/ Xwarper